Is porn so bad?  Is it not a private matter?  It’s not hurting anyone so why not let it go?  Just because someone looks at porn does not mean it is affecting their relationships, does it? What’s so wrong about porn?

We live in a world where men between the ages of 18 and 34 have a 70% chance on intentionally viewing pornography and 1/3 third of women are doing the same[i]. With over 120 million searches for the words sex, adult dating and/or porn[ii] it is no wonder that 12% of websites on the internet are pornographic in nature[iii].  We live in a world where porn is more easily accessible than at any other time.  We know this not because of the previously listed statistics, but because we see it on the internet when we are not even trying to find porn.  A few weeks ago I typed in “Darth Vader” in an image search and amongst the images of Vader was a pornographic image. Porn has become so expansive that it has engulfed our society and has quietly crept into the church.  The question is, do we discuss it or do we hope it goes away? Could it be that maybe sex is the problem?

Contrary to what many believe, God does not hate sex; in fact he created it and I would go so far as to say He is a huge proponent of sex.  There is even a book in the Bible titled “Song of Solomon” where sex is even celebrated in a marriage.  While some view Christianity as prudish, the truth is the Bible tells married couple to be anything but prude within their marriage.  Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 that married couples are to be constantly engaged in sexual activities with one another unless for a short mutually agreed upon time so they can focus on prayer.  The question for a Christian married couple is not “when should they have sex,” but rather “when should they not have sex.”    The problem is not sex; rather it is unbiddled selfish lust that causes problems.

Joshua Harris writes in his book Sex is Not the Problem, “Sex is not the problem—lust is the problem. It’s the enemy and has hijacked sexuality.”  Porn feeds our lust and that lust disconnects us from our wives by stealing our heart, our connectivity, our attention and out time (Matthew 5:28).  When you take in porn it is like injecting feces into the heart. It develops dissatisfaction with our wives by constructing unrealistic, distorted and ungodly expectations of sex while stripping out love and commitment.  Porn is so intrusive that it alters the way view women and our wives and is destructive to all. Proverbs 6:27 says, “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?”  Allowing porn to infiltrate the heart will burn you and those you love. It is in direct opposition to true intimacy and we need to make it our goal to rescue true intimacy from lust so that we can experience sex as it was designed by our God. However, staying free from porn requires honesty with yourself and others.

It is one thing to recognize the destructive nature of porn; it’s a wholly different thing when trying to flee from it. Here are some simple steps to protect yourself from porn.

1. Spend extra time in scripture and fill your head and heart with the words of God. Let his words overflow your heart.
2. Through prayer and fasting ask the Holy Spirit to guide your heart away from lust and pornography.
3. If you are married be honest with your spouse about porn. While it makes my wife uncomfortable, she and I discuss it honestly and openly with one another. I tell her what goes on the internet and even told her about the “Darth Vader” search.
4. Have someone you are accountable to. A person you can talk to who can ask the difficult questions without passing judgment. Porn habits thrive on secrecy.
5. Delete anything that is related to or links to pornography on your computer, TV and/or in a box.
6. Do not be alone in a room with a computer and have your computer be in a common use location in house (i.e. living room, family room, etc.).
7. Enjoy God’s creation and get out and marvel at it while hiking, playing a sport, swimming, etc.
8. Use internet programs to assist you (http://christianbroadband.com,  http://www.x3watch.com/)
9. Take strong actions if needed. Eliminate home internet, cable and anything that could lead back to pornography.

Remember porn is like a broken pipe in the ceiling. It will slowly fill the room, eventually filling it, and will cause water damage to the structure. However, with accountability and God’s Holy Spirit you can leave a life of porn in the sewer where it belongs.

Do you realize that the Bible does have different standards?  God gives husbands one set of standards and wives a completely different set of standards.  It is easy to miss this different set of standards in a quick reading of scripture, but when one realizes the significance these two verses it can redefine ones marriage, particularly how husbands look at their marriage.

“To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.” 1 Corinthians 7:10,11

I have known that a wife must submit to her husband and that a husband must love his wife, but I don’t think I had fully appreciated the fact that the Bible commands that a wife needs to stay married to her husband unless he leaves her (1 Cor. 7:15), but if she does leave her husband then she needs to stay unmarried.  However, men don’t get that option. They are told out right to not divorce their wife. It is just not an option for men like it or not, but why doesn’t God give men that option? Why the double standard?

The simple undisputable fact is that men are to emulate Christ and His love for us.  That means that husbands are to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25. Randy Alcorn writes in his book The Resolution for Men, “God’s calling for you as a husband was not to marry the woman you love, but to love the woman you married.”  While many men may agree with me on this matter, the depth of that love may not be fully realized.

Do you appreciate that when Christ gave up his life on the cross that he gave it up for a bride that had soiled itself in an arrangement of sins such as greed, lust, bitterness, gluttony, despiteful and self-centeredness? In my opinion that is one ugly bride.  Is that the kind of bride we would want to give up our life for?  None-the-less, that is exactly the kind of bride Christ willingly and lovingly sacrificed himself for. I can guarantee that Jesus did not want to go to the cross; He would rather been back home on His throne in heaven, but His love for us was unconditional.  He knew our need and was willing to sacrifice His life and wants for our salvation.  This is the kind of love husbands are called to give their wives.

Husbands, every day we need to set aside our selfish desires to meet the needs of our wife.  It does not matter if she deserves it or not, for we are to love our wife just as Jesus loved us (John 15:12). In the same way we find security in the unconditional love of Jesus, our wives should also find that same love emulated from her husband.  Make the only choice today to love your wife. Praise your wife with affirmation, spend time reading God’s Word, thank Him for your wife, pray for her physical and spiritual wellbeing, pray that God would bless her, and ask God to make you a vessel that would engulf your wife in His love.  When should you do this? Start today; start now.

 photo by: C. Frank Starmer